Melodia

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THREE ARTISTS I HAVE TO MANAGE.

How the fuck did I manifest this?

Howwwwwwww?!?!?!?

Originally posted by myboysander

You know when people say “i don’t want to live on this planet anymore” I sincerely don’t either. As seriously as you can take me. I don’t want to live on this earth.

I don’t want to pay bills

I don’t want to live in the suburbs

I don’t want to work 5 days and get only 2 for myself

I don’t want to live lavishly, I just want to experience

1. What helps you feel your soul’s mission and the journey your energy wants to go on this lifetime?
1. What helps my soul’s mission is being creative, exploring new ideas and places, making my body and mind wander to something new.
2. The journey my energy wants to go on is really almost nomadic in nature, adventurous. Leaving no stone unturned kind of thing
3. Releasing myself from the constraints of the norm. 
2. What motivates you to take steps on your life’s path even when they feel scary or unknown?
1. That it almost promises a whole new perspective of the current life I live. Its also somewhat a challenge I want to take, to handle the change
3. How do you respond to pressure? Do you use it as fuel for your journey and to develop courage or do you let it overwhelm you?
1. Pressure- its hard. I get scared but it helps me flip the switch on whats necessary for me to overcome or complete something. It does overwhelm me at first, I have to sit with it for a moment before I make moves but it is a catalyst
4. What keeps you motivated even when your passions begin to fizzle? What gives you courage to overcome obstacles and inner strength to continue on your path?
1. What keeps me motivated is the idea of ‘if you don’t do it now, you won’t ever do it”
2. What keeps me going is desire. Desire to do more, be more, live more. 

I want to be able to say in three months from now:

In a different city and a different creative career.

I spent my entire young adult life thinking that I’m only worthy if I take on a tough career, if I make it my identity, and mold myself to the expectations it has. I denied myself the opportunity to really dive deep into what I was really made of and what I could happily achieve. I put myself in a box, when the entire time I was in it, I was daydreaming of being elsewhere. In music, in travel, in ideas. It took me a while, but I’m here. I made it.

Life isn’t linear. It isn’t a bullet point list. It’s a lot of wrong turns that bring you to the right one. And if it isn’t then pick the next one

What I want and manifesting:

I want to leave Dallas immediately after my lease ends

I want to find job that is remote, pays 20-30k more than what I get paid now, is in the tech space, and I want to find it before my lease ends

I want to live in New York come July

I want my partner to be okay with that and I want to love my remote life with him

I want explore New York with my partner

Im really troubled. Really really troubled. I’m anxious-near panicked on this flight back home, I’m trying really hard not to go full panic attack. I am absolutely hurt with what I’ve done and what I now have to do. I did the unthinkable to my relationship and it’s about to eat me alive. And now that I did that I have have to really come to terms with my feelings.

I love my boyfriend. He listens. He showers me with love. I’m loved and cared for deeply. But I am and have been conflicted with my relationship with him. He’s beyond the perfect partner. I don’t know how to explain to my logical partner that there’s still something missing with our relationship.

I’ve always been on the fence about motherhood. Really I’ve never fantasized about it.

I realized my disillusionment stems from own mom’s perception/experience from raising my brother and I.

I always heard her say statements like “you and your brother were a pain to raise” or “the stress you gave me” or “the money I spent on you” or “the worry I had everyday”

I remember the day my mother shook me near-violently because I didn’t clean my brother right- or maybe I didn’t want to-but ultimately she was insanely stressed out.

I only understand now it was because she had no help. My dad was/is a terrible partner to her.

I understand that her experience will NEVER be mine and I would make it point not to. Right partner, right time, financially secure. Though, it has never been a goal of mine to raise a family. It has never been the role.

I know my mothers experience will not be mine and I shouldn’t fear it, if by surprise or by the off chance my IUD doesn’t work.

I just don’t care to be a mom.

Now with a partner who does want one and me being 30. I. Am. Stressed.

I need to make that decision like now. I don’t know if I want kids in 5 years. And even if I wanted to I would be 35 and considered a high risk pregnancy. A geriatric pregnancy. At higher risk of miscarriage, Down syndrome, and other genetic anomalies that can occur to the child. AND DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE PREGNANCY ITSELF. All the body and hormonal changes. FUCK THAT.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

This thought plagues me.

The day you were born niña. I hope to be part of your life, even if for a fraction of it.

I think what I need to do next is really just do something radical. Do the things I thought I couldn’t do because I was on the path to medical school. I really don’t want to do another desk job. I think I’m going to do is what I’ve slightly joked about.

- peace corps

- teaching English abroad

- personal training

- work at hostels

- bartend

- work at a music venue

- learn to do and teach yoga

- be a travel blogger

Like I want to do it all but there’s that little voice that says..well if you do that you won’t have a lot of means. That’s my materialistic side though. Regardless of what I do, I know I’ll find my way. Who knows maybe it’ll guide me to the best idea yet.

I can let go of things. I want to. I can. I want to and can see myself dive deep into a life of dreams expanded.

I don’t know how much steam I have left in me to do what I’m doing now. I really force myself to say “you’re doing good work! You’re in cancer research for crying out loud, you are another advocate for women in these dire times”

I want to touch lives and be awakened and at awe of them at the same time. That’s the goal. I want to learn, I want to teach, I want to be someone who people can talk to. I want to be peace. I want to be love. I want to love me so that I can love on others.

I’m sad most nights before bed

I’m a dreamer and I dream big

Ive dreamt I’d be an adventurer

A woman of the world

A woman to save the day

But I lie here sad most nights before bed

To find myself struggling to love

The cubicle reality

That’s laid out before me instead